


Driver Picks Incubus, Shot Gun Shuts His Cookie Hole

by Liliako



Category: Big Time Rush RPF
Genre: A Wallet Full of Flavored Condoms, Boys are assholes and then there's schmoop, But no road head, Dialogue-Only, M/M, Oh god, Ridiculous Shenanigans, Road Trips, So old, sry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-16
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-26 14:41:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5008633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liliako/pseuds/Liliako
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kendall takes Logan on a little road trip but isn't telling him where to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Driver Picks Incubus, Shot Gun Shuts His Cookie Hole

**Author's Note:**

> Ugh I'm so sorry in 2010 I wrote this sort of song fic? Song fic because there is a link to a song in it, not the whole lyrics everywhere thing. It's funny up until that point though.
> 
> Originally posted on LJ here: http://liliako.livejournal.com/4900.html

“You’re not taking me to Vegas to elope, right?”

“No, doofus.”

“Okay, good. Because you pulled me out of bed so I haven’t showered and I like to think we are classier than Brittany Spears. I mean, you have questionable haircuts sometimes-“

“Shut up, you love my hair!”

“Pffft, yes, that mushroom cut made me sooo hot, I want you, I need you, oh baby, oh baby.”

“Whatever Julia Stiles, your Konas hair in the early pilot episode wasn’t a choice move either.”

“Yes, but it could be fixed with gel. You needed a paper bag over your head to hide your shame for a while.”

“I can turn this car around you know.”

“I’m pretty okay with that seeing as I don’t even know where I’m being kidnapped away to.”

“It’s an awesome place and you’ll be so mad at yourself if we don’t go.”

“Descriptive. I feel as if I’m already there!”

“Alternately I could dump you on the side of the road and you’d have to work the corner to get home. We could make you a sign that says ‘Logan’s Lovin’-- Cash Only’.”

“We’re on some creepy highway in the middle of the desert, there are no corners to work. Oh wait, there’s a sand dune, I could whore myself out against that.”

“I know you’ve got decade old condoms in your wallet, you’d be safe.”

“I’m never letting you touch my wallet again, dumbass.”

“Ohhhh reeeeallly? Cause you can’t be on guard all the time, like when you’re sleeeeeeping—”

“What the hell did you do now—Flavored condoms. Kendall, there’s nothing in my wallet except flavored condoms.”

“HAHA! How did you not notice it felt funny?!”

“Where did you even get these?”

“When I went to visit Kevin. I swear every public bathroom in Canada has at least three different condom dispensers.”

“You’re disgusting, these are probably expired and who trusts a vending machine condom?”

“Hopefully no one, but with creative flavors like strawberry, banana, vanilla, chocolate and blueberry, you can’t really resist.”

“I’m pretty sure normal people can resist.”

“Normal people aren’t fun.”

“Where did you put all my stuff?”

“Your underwear drawer.”

“You bastard.”

“I threw out the decade old condom, your Ralph’s card is in one of your socks, and everything else is just sitting there in the drawer. Except your credit card. That’s in the way back wrapped up in the silk boxers. Classy.”

“I hate you. You didn’t even leave my license. I can’t prove I’m the real Logan Henderson. And what the hell am I supposed to do with a wallet full of condoms?! No, don’t answer that.”

“But!”

“Ah-ah!”

“…”

“Good boy. That’s a good Kendall!”

“…Havealotoftastysex! Hahahaaa!”

“…Y’know what, how about we try one of these out right now?”

“What? Logan, not that I don’t approve of your adventurous spirit and how you constantly try to eye fuck me in public, but I’m driving and that shit’s dangerous.”

“Oh, no, this’ll be totally safe with so many condoms! There’s no one else on the road anyway, which, by the way, thanks for waking me up before dawn, jackass.”

“You’re welcome. But seriously how could this be safe? And I hear you ripping those open but you know two doesn’t make it better—UH! ROGUN!”

“So does it really taste like strawberry? I know how you hate that imitation shit.”

“Pppbt-pbbt- Aw, that is nasty! … “

“EW! KENDALL! DON’T WIPE THAT ON ME YOU SICK FREAK!”

“HAH! RETRIBUTION IS MINE- UFF!”

“Oh, what’s that? Banana is always the grossest flavor? I couldn’t agree more! Have another!”

“Pbbbt! Pbbbt! BASTARD! Fuckin’ ridiculous—HAH!”

“STOP WIPING YOUR SALIVA AND LUBED CONDOMS ON MY FACE!”

“IT’S YOUR FAULT FOR STUFFING THEM IN MY MOUTH!”

“IT’S YOUR FAULT FOR GIVING THEM TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE!”

“FINE, GOD!”

“….”

“….Ptew.”

“Gross Kendall, don’t spit out the window, it’s just going to get on your car.”

“How else am I going to get this nasty ass fake banana flavor out of my mouth?”

“…Hold on.”

“Logan, if you put another condom in my mouth and there isn’t a dick behind it I might have to hurt you.”

“Whine, whine, whine, bitch, bitch, bitch.”

“I’m just sayin’.”

“Keep your pants on, Romeo.”

“I am, besides not wanting to get arrested for public indecency on the side of the road, we got places to be and there is a time limit.”

“Mmmmhmmm.”

“What’re you-?”

“Patience, Kendikin Schmidtwalker.”

“Fine. Curl up in your side of the car and make slurping noises, whatever, see if I care. If you’re jerking it, I just ask that you don’t get it on the interior. If you remember, it’s not easy to clean and-”

“You liked it. C’mere.”

“Driving here, don’t have much range of motion.”

“Okay.”

“Don’t unbuckle yourself! Do you know how much money that fine is?!”

“Do they even have that law here?”

“I thought it was the law everywhere.”

“Whatever, turn your head this way.”

“I have to keep my eyes on the road, La-whore-gan.”

“You’re being really impossible, you know that?”

“I am being _responsible_ , you can’t fault me—mmmmm--kissingisdangerous.”

“Mmmhmm.”

“I’mstillwatchingthero-hmhmum.”

“…”

“Really, driving with one hand is a bad—“

“Shhhh.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“Kendall, watch the road.”

“Nuh-uh, do that thing with your tongue again.”

“Open your eyes, stop biting my lip, you’re going to get us killed.”

“S’cool you’re steering, c’mere.”

“Nnmuph.”

“…”

“God, no, Kendall, really stop.”

“…”

“Okay that was the last-mm.”

“…”

“…”

“OW!”

“I warned you.”

“Lowgwan, ooo bi’ mah tonguh!”

“Eyes on the road.”

“Ow! Don’ hi’ me!”

“Focus, if you steer us off the road and into the only road sign for miles and then knock yourself unconscious we’d be doomed because I have no idea where we are or where we’re going.”

“Hmph.”

 “Don’t you pout at me.”

“…”

“Stick that lip out a little more Schmidt, I dare you.”

“…”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

“You have sharp canines Henderson, I’m not fucking with that shit-- I’m already maimed.”

“But you don’t taste banana anymore, do you?”

“…No, just a lot of fake vanilla and latex.”

“Substantially better than fake banana and latex.”

“Yup.”

“It makes me want a vanilla frappe. Where the hell’s the Starbucks in this middle of no-where?”

“Up ahead, right after that rock formation.”

“The one that looks like a dick?”

“I buy you a wallet full of condoms and suddenly everything is phallic to you, geeze.”

“That is an erect rock if I ever saw one, you can’t argue.”

“The Earth’s morning wood isn’t far from our destination, so let’s just be peaceful and quiet ‘til we get there, hm?”

“Fine.”

“Good.”

“Do we have to listen to your weird emo indie junk?”

“You know the rules-- Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cake hole. Now, quiet.”

“…”

“…”

“My face still smells like banana.”

“Logan, if I lick you clean then my mouth will taste like banana again.”

“Don’t sigh at me like some overburdened housewife. It’s your fault, so you have to fix me.”

“False, I am not going near that.”

“Fine, I’ll just sit here and smell up your car and the banana smell will never go away and no one will ever love me again because no one likes fake banana.”

“Monkeys would. And monkey enthusiasts. Also, it’s more like strawberry banana because of that first one.”

“Then it shouldn’t be that bad.”

“There is no way I am licking your face.”

“Kendallllll.”

“No.”

“Keeeehn-duuuuuulll.”

“Stay on your side of the car.”

“Lick my face.”

“You’re disgusting get away from me.”

“Do it!”

“Demanding is not going to help your case!”

“…Lick it, Kendall.”

“Okay, the ear-whispering-breathy-innuendo-thing is a dirty tactic.”

“I know.”

“I’m still trying to drive here, Logan, you can’t just try and make me do what you want by- ohgodhateyou.”

“Hmmm, sure you do.”

“Somuch.”

“Lick it.”

“Fuck, get your hand out of my pants so I can concentrate, Christ.”

“Mayyybe.”

“AH! WAIT!”

“WHAT THE FUCK MAN, WARN A GUY!”

“WE’RE HERE!”

“You don’t just slam on the breaks when I’m not actually sitting down with the proper safety restraints!”

“C’mon, c’mon, c’mon! Logan! C’mon!”

“Aw, really? But outside is cold- aw, no, no, no, come back! What the hell’s in the trunk?”

“Move it or lose it!”

“Fine, hold on, just-- got it.”

“Guitar, check, blanket, check, thermos, check. Oh, maaaan!”

“What? What’s with all the junk? And what’s so fancy about here? It’s absolutely no different than the past zillion miles of nothing but rocks and sand. Except for the one with the dick rock.”

“I forgot the bagels.”

“Way to go Schmidt, we’re going to starve.”

“Yup. Help me with this.”

“There could be scorpions and stuff-“

“There are no scorpions under this blanket, promise.”

“If I die it’s going to be al-“

“All my fault, yeah, yeah, sit your ass down. No, face the other way.”

“To the other crevice of rocks, sure, it looks totally different.”

“Yes, here, that’s for you.”

“Coffee! You do love me! Now lick my face.”

“…”

“Do it! ... Kendall. Are you seriously looking around? We’re in the middle of nowhere and you think shutterbugs for the tween mags are hiding behind the dick rock? Sit your ass down.”

“Shh, and I have a few minutes so yes, I will lick your face.”

“Finally! Thank you! I ask for simple things and all I ever get is- hee.”

“Oh, gross it’s like licking banana flavored sandpaper.”

“Suck it up.”

“…You’re enjoying this far too much.”

“There are people on the internet who would love to do this to me, the great Logan Henderson, God’s most adorable gift to the world.”

“That’s debatable, for every fan who thinks you’re the cutest, there’s three who have that beach picture of me as their desktop background.”

“They just know that the drool worthy Ken-dork is easy.”

“Whatever, I know that my hot naked torso is all over your desktop, too.”

“I could make that dirty, but I won’t. Less talking, more licking.”

“…I feel like a dog.”

“If you want a collar you can just say so, you don’t have to make up reasons.”

“Why, Mister Henderson, I never pinned you as the kinky type.”

“Why, Mister Schmidt, I never pinned you as the aimlessly kidnapping kind.”

“Oh, shit!”

“Okay, you just kicked sand everywhere, what’s the rush?”

“Man, fuck, I’m late!”

“Kendall, we’re in the middle of nowhere and the sun has barely risen, how can you be late?”

“That’s the point! C’mon, baby, play nice for me.”

“You talk to your guitar nicer than you talk to me sometimes.”

“She doesn’t sass me. C’mon, I tuned you last night!”

“Heh, yeah you did.”

“Logan, this is no time for ‘that’s what she said’ jokes—“

“Really? I feel like this has been one great Innuendo Adventure.”

 “UGH! Fucking stupid piece of shit—”

“She being sassy? Think it’s her time of the month?”

“I’m trying to be romantic here!”

“Is that what this is? I mean, the coffee was really nice-“

“Hold on! You can just listen to my Ipod and it’ll sort of be the same! It’s in the car-”

“Kendall you know you don’t have to be super romantic? Right? Can you hear me?”

“GOT IT!”

“Says the boy brandishing his ipod who clearly does not get it.”

“Huh?”

“Oh, nothing, just babbling to myself.”

“’Kay, I have it cued up.”

“I hate using other peoples ear buds.”

“Please? I know it’s gross but this is better than nothing.”

“Yeah yeah, come sit.”

“Mmm, you’re so benevolent.”

“And apparently in this sitting up cuddling I am the little spoon?”

“Shhh, you’ve always been the little spoo—Is this my hoodie?”

“Yeah, I knew it was cold out here and this was in the back seat.”

“N’awwwwa, you wearing my clothes is cute.”

“It’s for survival, hush up. I’m starting the song—get your cold nose awaaaaay from my neck.”

“Just hit play, watch the sunrise and be quiet.”

“Yeah, yeah…”

[Please listen to [this song ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0hnyV8srdQU)now]

“…”

“…”

“Kendall…”

“I know, it’s kind of sappy but it’s, well I mean, I just thought-”

“It’s beautiful.”

“Yeah?”

“Probably the most moving thing anyone’s ever done for me.”

“I just wish I could have played it for you.”

“Well if I’m interpreting it right, we’ve got all the time in the world, so don’t worry about it.”

“Y’mean it?”

“Kendall, look at me. I’m not the type to say ‘I love you’ much, I figure you just know it. I mean, I wouldn’t let just anyone coerce me from my bed far before a decent hour, put me in a car, and drive me to some unknown location in the middle of nowhere. That kind of trust is a little insane for me, but you’ve got it. You got me here, in your ridiculously flamboyant hoodie drinking coffee that is some weird organic shit that’s lukewarm, sitting on a blanket that may have deadly insects under it. But I’m okay with all of that cause you’re here being a big uber dork and making me all squishy inside.”

“I get it, you big softie. You’re smitten with me, I can tell.”

“You’re pretty much stuck with me forever. I’m like a lamprey that won’t let go.”

“Good, you know how I adore sea creatures.”

“Yes, let’s go save a manatee to put a big warm fuzzy ending to today.”

“For now, let’s just finish watching the nice sunrise over the desert, then we’ll go back, hit up a Starbucks-“

“And then spend the day in bed so I can do the thing where I show you how I feel instead of talking about my feelings like a big giant girl. I’ll even use the tasty vanilla condoms you so thoughtfully gave me.”

“I knew you loved me.”

“I know, now let’s stop having this chick flick moment before I need to do something manly to feel better.”

“Oh Sir Loga-lot, you’re my knight in shining armor! As long as I live my feelings for you will never fade!”

“I never should have let you watch Merlin.”

“Pft, you love this.”

“Whatever, Lady Kendivere.”

“Mmmm, so, sunrise complete. Home for lots of tasty sex?”

“I couldn’t agree more.”

 

End notes:

Logan’s Konas Hair— [Here](http://shisou-eimin.livejournal.com/42476.html) in [](http://shisou-eimin.livejournal.com/profile)[**shisou_eimin**](http://shisou-eimin.livejournal.com/)  ’s graphic post! Dial up users beware, there's a handful of gifs.

[Julia Stiles- 10 Things I Hate About You reference](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUirEYmWy8k)

Ralph's— A grocery store in CA, I think it's a chain but I know there's one in the Malibu area which isn't far from LA where they shoot.

What Logan listens to on the ipod- [Matt Wertz’s I Will Not Take My Love Away](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0hnyV8srdQU)

[Lamprey Wiki](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lamprey) for those who are not well versed is scary sea creatures.


End file.
